Image by asoggetti

The Grit Theory

Search

Coffee & Grit 4. Do Not Cancel on Yourself

Updated: Dec 16, 2021



 

When you have plans with a friend and the cancel on you, how does it feel?


Today Lindsey talks through the importance of making and keeping commitments with yourself.


Highlights include:

-Don’t drug your children. Don’t drug yourself.

-Choose productive coping mechanisms over counter productive ones.

-All advice is not good advice.

-Don’t just “go for broke”.

-If it needs to be done, commit to do it. Don’t just think it.

-Getting started.


Did you find value in today’s conversation? SHARE IT!

Join The Grit Theory Community Here!


 

08;06;30;29 - 08;06;25;23

Lindsey

Hello and welcome to Coffee & Grit. I'm joined by Jonathan today. Oh, that's right. You like to be called Jon.


08;06;24;28 - 08;06;24;07

Jon

It doesn't matter..


08;06;23;10 - 08;06;06;09

Lindsey

I'm not used to it. In some episodes, I call you Jon, and most I might just refer to you as Jonathan, so it really throws me off. I know it doesn't matter at all. But today I want to talk about not canceling on yourself and kind of explore What does that mean?


08;06;06;09 - 08;05;42;07

Lindsey

What is that kind of look like? I don't know, especially for just in general, I think we all cancel on ourselves more than we should because we don't make us a priority. And I'm not perfect at this. I, you know, I can't for myself a lot, but it's been something that I've been thinking about a lot this


08;05;42;07 - 08;05;17;05

Lindsey

last week. And how do I? How do I get better at this? If I'm raising the bar? And wanting to go further. With my limits and the things that I'm capable of doing. How do I not cancel continually on something that should be a high top priority in my life?


08;05;15;18 - 08;05;12;02

Jon

Yes, sir, namely, you're talking about taking care of yourself, right?


08;05;10;13 - 08;04;51;22

Lindsey

Yes and no. It's so we have a lot of there's a lot of self-care out there, which I do think that that's important, but I think it goes bigger than that because if you cancel, you know, it's the concept of if you cancel on a friend, how does that make you feel?


08;04;51;22 - 08;04;39;00

Lindsey

Or if a friend cancels on you most of the time you're disappointed and you're sad or something? Yeah. And let's say you're going for coffee or lunch and whatever comes up and they have to cancel. Well, how does that make you feel?


08;04;38;12 - 08;04;11;14

Lindsey

Genuinely, you know, most of the time you're either frustrated or upset or sad about it, but you also have understanding most of the time on why they had to cancel if there was a reason given. But I think I get kind of frustrated with the self-care because there's a really big push in mom culture that self-care is


08;04;11;14 - 08;03;54;09

Lindsey

taught to take a break on the couch and sit and watch a show and drink a glass of wine and some chocolate. Yeah, and a lot of a lot of that is indulgences that don't lead to anything fruitful.


08;03;53;29 - 08;03;29;15

Lindsey

There's this big culture around moms, especially when your kids are younger while things are hard to go drink a glass of wine. Well, that's endorsing alcoholism. And I have a really big problem with that, and I had had advice given to me in the military a couple of times by different people when the boys were young and


08;03;29;15 - 08;03;13;05

Lindsey

things were hard and chaotic and it was will get get the kids, some melatonin or a Benadryl and you a bottle of wine and try again in the morning. But drugging your children and drugging yourself doesn't put you on an upward trajectory.


08;03;12;23 - 08;02;51;01

Lindsey

And it's always really bothered me and I've never really known how to. To express that. And whenever someone goes, well, how did you do this? It was always the in the small things. It was OK, well, I drank my coffee when it was hot or I drank my tea when it was hot and I gave the kids


08;02;51;01 - 08;02;35;29

Lindsey

toys to play with that they haven't played with for a while. Right. And that was how I made that applicable and how I made that work. Hmm. And that's that's not canceling on yourself if that's something that matters to you and me.


08;02;35;29 - 08;02;23;24

Lindsey

I like hot coffee. So that mattered to me. It was like, OK, well, how do I make this work? And I get that. That's a small example. And then it goes even bigger. Well, how do you make working out work?


08;02;22;22 - 08;02;06;07

Lindsey

If that's a priority for you and it should be because the healthier you are, the more you have to give to those around you, because as as moms and as a spouse, I have a lot to give. I have a lot of responsibility.


08;02;05;27 - 08;01;45;02

Lindsey

And I think as humans in general, we have. If you're in a relationship at all, it's it's a give take relationship. And how do you have more to give when you continually cancel on yourself? If you're not showing up for yourself and you're not, then how are you showing up for, you know, your friend?


08;01;45;00 - 08;01;42;04

Lindsey

How do you show up for your partner? How do you show up for your kids?


08;01;39;27 - 08;01;21;15

Jon

And what I'm hearing here is it's not even just canceling on yourself like that is the premise in the mess that is the vehicle for your message. But what you're talking about is raising your standards, raising what you demand from yourself in both how you care for yourself in choosing things that help make you better.


08;01;21;15 - 08;00;59;09

Jon

But don't just numb you. But also in raising your capacity by holding yourself to certain things that you find value in an great point in cases planning your morning with intentionality to ensure you can enjoy your coffee while it's hot with whatever strategies you need to update to do so with the kids, you know and things like


08;00;59;09 - 08;00;46;28

Jon

that, making sure you get your workout in so that you have endorphins in greater health to provide more to the family. Right? And I'm extremely grateful for that, especially this week, because this is the first day I'm not pretty ill.


08;00;46;16 - 08;00;30;26

Jon

In the last couple of days, I've been completely out of commission or 90% plus out of commission, and you've really risen it up, taking the load for the family and everything. And I'm grateful that you've not been on a path of let's drag up, let's numb down.


08;00;30;26 - 08;00;20;09

Jon

Let's become less competent and capable. Because if you had in this last two days would have really hurt our family. But you kept things going smoothly while I was out of commission, and I'm thankful for that.


08;00;19;25 - 08;00;01;08

Lindsey

It's that whole concept of I not necessarily even fell, but I fell to what my training was, right? Because it's been nice on my end of things for you to kind of get to see what I would do day in and day out when you weren't able to be around when you were in the military.


08;00;00;25 - 09;59;42;08

Lindsey

And I know that in the back of your mind, you're like, Yeah, she's got it. But I think this was a really nice actual hands on testament for you to actually get to see what I did every single day when you weren't around, just because you are, you know, you were doing your job and you were serving


09;59;42;08 - 09;59;27;18

Lindsey

our country. And I wanted to support that mission because that mattered to me. It still matters to me and our relationship and our family mattered to me. So it's been. Now I'm not like I said, I'm not perfect.


09;59;27;16 - 09;59;16;23

Lindsey

When you were in the military, there were nights where I did, you know, not want to have to think and things like that and whatever. Most of the time I was going to bed early because I just wasn't sleeping.


09;59;16;11 - 09;58;55;23

Lindsey

But now it's more of the concept of. Yeah, what are some tools that I can take along with me to make this work better, to make this run more smoothly? And when I when the boys were little? Working out wasn't necessarily like.


09;58;54;10 - 09;58;39;10

Lindsey

A, it was instead of what a 20 minute workout would be, it was probably an hour long workout because I had to their toddlers and babies and you had to redirect. And if one of them was napping, normally, that was when I would try to get some type of a workout in.


09;58;38;16 - 09;58;27;05

Lindsey

But the older ones weren't, and so you'd have to figure out it's it's this flow. You have to find the right flow for you and your family, and you have to find the right flow for you and your spouse.


09;58;26;27 - 09;58;01;23

Lindsey

And how do you make things run smoothly and continue forwards and not drop the ball on one thing or versus the other? The other thing that I was thinking about, too, is like, you can't 100% go for broke in this area because if you tried to go all in all, at the same time, something falls, right?


09;58;01;22 - 09;57;44;24

Lindsey

You can't juggle everything, all at the exact same time and spend more time in one area than the other because something falls. So you have to. It's a balance. Not that I have all the answers, but you know, it's just like, OK, what can I do to make one thing easier?


09;57;44;16 - 09;57;29;26

Lindsey

But to say, I'm going to set this time for me and I'm going to show up consistently every day for the next week and or even for the next three days and see what I get out of it.


09;57;29;19 - 09;57;11;05

Lindsey

Hmm. Is this something that's become? A joy that I look forward to. Or is this now something that I feel is just another added responsibility? Because if you feel like it's another added responsibility, well, then you need to shift and figure out, how do I make something?


09;57;10;29 - 09;56;56;23

Lindsey

That's joy filled and add that into my life, because the more responsibility you add in, not that it's bad, but it can. It can turn toxic when it was meant for something good.


09;56;54;23 - 09;56;49;23

Jon

So, so finding the things that are both fruitful and value adding, but still a release still.


09;56;49;15 - 09;56;48;01

Lindsey

Absolutely. Yeah.


09;56;47;11 - 09;56;39;03

Jon

So essentially find something that gives you as much of a release as that glass of wine would, but productively positive, maybe not even productively, but positively.


09;56;38;23 - 09;56;23;29

Lindsey

Right? And if that's the glass of wine. OK, so what have a glass of wine? I'm not against drinking a glass of wine, but I think it's the the manner behind what your motive is and why you're wanting to have it.


09;56;23;20 - 09;56;09;11

Lindsey

Is it something because it's like, Oh, this helps me relax, we'll find something else that helps you relax in a different aspect instead of, you know, having one toxic for another, toxic. Don't just trade in that same manner.


09;56;09;04 - 09;56;00;18

Lindsey

Find something that's like, OK, this is going to give me joy. This is something I look forward to and do that instead.


09;56;00;08 - 09;55;57;13

Jon

Essentially, reward yourself. Don't cope.


09;55;56;28 - 09;55;34;04

Lindsey

Right? Yeah. The second you start coping, you introduce all sorts of different problems into your your life. And I think that that's really dangerous in general. Instead of thriving, which is where we wanted to take this community, we want to let other people understand like, Hey, you can be thriving, and that doesn't mean I like I said


09;55;34;04 - 09;55;18;05

Lindsey

, I do not have it all figured out. There are days where I'm not 100% thriving, but I'm still attempting to work towards a a goal or whatever to be thriving in an aspect of thriving.


09;55;17;16 - 09;55;03;14

Jon

Given the last couple of days with me being out and basically getting to resurge in the Jon's Not Here type of mentality, right? To just help carry the load because we would very much so work as partners through life and the different responsibilities we have.


09;55;02;29 - 09;54;48;23

Jon

Has that brought this idea more to the forefront of your mind? Like, how are you doing right now after caring a bit more than has become typical? Is there any relevancy in that or is it kind of just more of the same?


09;54;48;09 - 09;54;25;00

Lindsey

It's a little bit more of the same other than. I know I'm capable of more, and I think I've allowed myself to. To share the load with you in areas that I know I'm fully capable of being able to do those things and not just things that I don't enjoy doing, but there are things where it's like


09;54;25;00 - 09;54;04;00

Lindsey

, No, it's almost a. That's the best way to say it. It's an encouragement in the aspect of like, Hey, you were fully capable of doing this, why are you already not? Why are you waiting for him to pick up the slack and then get frustrated because he's not noticing it because he's doing what he is fully capable


09;54;04;00 - 09;53;48;20

Lindsey

of? And you and I think in different wavelengths, we think in different mindsets, and that's totally fine. That's why you and I compliment each other really well. But it's like, why do I wait around for you to do something and then not be like?


09;53;48;03 - 09;53;34;02

Lindsey

And I don't see it. I just expect for you to do it, which is totally difficult. It is. It's totally unfair. But I think we both do it to each other and we do it to the boys. And so I think you do it within friendships and things like that.


09;53;34;02 - 09;53;18;08

Lindsey

And if you're not going to just step up and text the person first or talk to the person, call them whatever. Why do you expect the other person to be thinking about you in that very second? I think it's very unfair if you have someone on your mind.


09;53;18;01 - 09;53;04;27

Lindsey

It takes five seconds to send a text. I get that sometimes phone calls are a lot longer, so. Text them and be like, Hey, are you free whenever so that we can talk and me and set a time and don't cancel on it?


09;53;04;12 - 09;52;59;05

Lindsey

Stick to it. Don't make an excuse for yourself of why you can't show up.


09;52;58;14 - 09;52;44;10

Jon

Just show up. Yeah. So, so with that thought in mind, there's been a few examples throughout the conversation this morning. But if you wanted to encourage someone to not cancel on themselves, to commit to themselves really is the reverse of that right?


09;52;43;29 - 09;52;36;22

Jon

In some small way, how would you encourage them to do so? Getting started? Well, if it's a most.


09;52;36;06 - 09;52;16;01

Lindsey

Most everybody has a phone, look at your daily schedule. Most everybody has a daily schedule. Whether you are single, a mother or a spouse, whatever you know, your daily rhythms make yourself a calendar invite, even if it's just to have lunch with yourself.


09;52;15;16 - 09;51;51;04

Lindsey

Put your phone away. Turn it off. Don't be distracted. Be aware of what's around you. If you're a mom and you know that nap times are approaching and you've been putting off this task all week long, set the daily reminder or set just a reminder or a calendar invitation to yourself that you don't get to not show


09;51;51;04 - 09;51;34;11

Lindsey

up for. The the longer you put things off, the worse it weighs on your mind. You have to be able to clear up that mind space because otherwise your brain is always thinking about it as, Oh, I have to do this.


09;51;34;01 - 09;51;25;29

Lindsey

And then it becomes this. This is a monumental task that could have been something as easy as crumpling the paper and putting it in the trash.


 




2 views0 comments